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Thursday, July 16th, 2009
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2:18 am - wtf?
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Someone loosened the lugnuts on my car today... I'm lucky I caught it in time... Wheel could've rolled right off... the question is who... and why?
in other news.
ASS-es the window!
"No that's assESS the window. You put the wrong emPHAsess on the wrong syLABle"
O.o
Truly,
Alexxis Ramsay Hart
current music: Del Amitri - Roll To Me
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, July 6th, 2009
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2:18 am - I want to do something meaningful...
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Update: Newfoundland is going to have to wait. Naturally I made a decision so suddenly all the factors that lead to making it a good one, changed.
I'll be staying longer in ontario... until I'm set and perfectly in control of all factors. Nothing is going to take this away from me.
Tonights Entry (seperate from the above note):
I want to say or do something meaningful...
but the more I think about it... the more I realize how selfish I really am.
I've thought of selfless things...
and realized that I'd only be doing them to make myself feel better...
I'm beginning to resign to the fact... that I'm just not a good person... and I don't think I ever will be... not at this point... even wanting to... changing to... trying too... it's all selfish and self serving.
I've become a hollow creature. Empty inside. I'm one with it. I don't try to fill it. I think I'm bad enough. I will continue forward and try to be something... I don't know what. But no matter what I say or do... I am unable to right myself. There is no right answer. Every road contains a wrong. I must choose one... at least for the time being. Which is the least evil? How little harm can I do?
Why do I think I'm NEARLY this important?
Whatever I don't know.
I want to write. Write stories... about things... I want people to understand my emotions... to know my depth... to feel as I do... It's a selfish want...to be understood. It's a selfish thing to assume you're complex enough not to be.
It all comes back to the same two words.
"I want."
"I want" to be happy. "I want" a nice house. "I want" to live. "I want" to die.
No matter what it is... how you word it... what your desire is... it is selfish... self serving. I have nothing to truly offer anyone but myself. An empty hollow shell with a bouncy, bitchy, hypersexual exterior.
I am nothing more or less than any other person.
I am not humble, I am not unvein, I am not significant.
I am the embodiment of everything I loath and despise. Though that's not to say that I hate myself.
I want.
I want to know that I am understood... something everyone seeks. It's not about social position, or monetary gain or furthering the race or anything... none of those goals that people set for themselves are anything more than self serving goals... by acheiving them we hope to encounter someone who understands along the way...
so many people die alone... surrounded by loved ones, happy smiles on their faces, having led complete and fulfilled lives. but they are alone.
No god or deity can understand you either. They surely love you... as do your family and friends. But no one can understand anyone. We are alone inside ourselves.
Our lives continue because we hope that it wont stay that way... we soldier forward knowing that it all comes to an end and that that one thing is the ultimate acheivement.
We seek the appropriate social groups, places to be accepted, with acceptable mates to get close with and try to help through the journey. We surround ourselves with people and things that nurture our desires...
It's all self serving to fill that void within us. That big empty void.
The real question is: WHY?
Why... anything?
My life serves no purpose. and even if it did... it would end. Even if I were benevolent, selfless, pure... The result is the same... and regardless of what does or does not happen in the afterlife... The result is the same. It ends. Life moves forward... and it doesn't MATTER if I find that which I seek.
Which in turn means I do not matter.
I want to matter.
Not to history, not to my children, not to a deity, not to a loved one.
There's something more... I cannot describe or properly put forth in any medium... all I know... is that... I do not matter... in the way that I want to... and I never will.
And for this... I feel guilty, a failure, selfish over the nights of lost sleep about something I can't properly fathom... I spend too much time thinking... or distracting myself from thinking... trying to be happy, trying to feel good... allowing my body it's urges and needs and wants... it's all for naught. It will end... I will have led a happy fulfilling life. I will die with loved ones near me... All that any one ever wants is mine.
And yet... I'm empty.
Why?
Is there nothing more than this? Is this all that I am?
So many have thought me full of myself, questioning everything, as if I have some divine right to question the world, never satisfied, my standards too high.
That's not it at all... it never has been... I admit to my selfishness... I admit I will allow a friendship to die if it serves me not. I admit my bad traits and faults. I cannot explain or rationalize it. I can only say that it is never personal. Except that it is. Not to me. I don't hurt someone because I derive pleasure from it... but I also know that it's personal for the person who is hurt... and yet my feelings do not change...
People think me heartless because I can show such coldness... or maybe it's just that I've become so accustomed to the guilt and anguish that it no longer formulates into something tangible for the other party...
I feel.
Just as any one else does.
I feel guilty, lonely, angry, sad... I do feel these emotions... just as anyone else does...
It's hard to express emotions... Even though I'm so vivid... sometimes violent in expressing emotions... when someone wants or expects me to react a certain way... it becomes internal... perhaps in a bid to protect myself from manipulation I do not know.
I've said many times that I am taking myself out of the dating scene for various reasons... The best one I can think of is that I don't need to hurt anymore people with this... this self indulgent rambling... this conceited effort to be a working human being. No one else needs to fall into the trap that is my blackened soul. It is not to protect them though. oh no. nothing so benevolent. It's is to protect me. From the guilt I feel when I hurt people.
Selfish to the end. I will smile and hold in my bad emotions... not to prevent others from seeing them, not to put on a brave face... But to keep from the feelings I have when externalizing my sour emotions. Again, guilt, anger.
It all comes back to me and how I feel.
"I want" to feel 'x'.
People were right. We choose how we feel.
Or were they?
How can someone choose to feel so utterly alone, so utterly empty. A room full of people who love and care about me, smiling and happy, enjoying myself... and I still feel empty. What kind of person CHOOSES to feel that way?
A selfish one.
Even this journal... my ramblings in this post... all of it... self serving... self depricating... self loathing. How are people expected to react to that? I'm sure there's something subconcious going on... making me both accept and reject what is probably starting to seem like a cry for attention.
and I'm cought between hating myself for continuing and not deleting it... and the importance of posting it... so it's not inside of me any longer threatening to unravel my last shreds of sanity.
There is... Nothing.
I am nothing.
I am no one.
I do not deserve to be anything or anyone. Not because I am bad... Not because I hate myself. not for any other reason... than I will do nothing with it.
I am irrelevant. my desire to BE relevant is selfish and self serving and thus is also irrelevant.
I will always be out of place... Because I belong only with myself and alone.
But I am selfish. I will not be alone. I will not be in no place. I will persue "happiness" and "Fulfillment." I will be a good boy and smile and eat and workout and date and buy a home and move near to people who care about me and entice others I've left behind to be near me later in life.
Selfish.
My whole world revolves around me... even when it doesn't.
And it's all so silly... I cry and giggle a lot when I'm by myself. Even then... when I'm thinking of what to do or who to hang out with... I have a goal... something to acheive... Something for me.
If you ever wonder why I'm evasive and reclusive...
I don't like to use people... makes me feel guilty... and no matter what... whenever I'm around people... In some way. I'm using them... to my own benefit. They may benefit also... perhaps even vicariously... but that makes it no less selfish of me.
I've obectified everything in my life down to the most minute of details. Carefully filed information in my brain. And I sit, compiling it, constantly, finding new ways to explore and exploit things to further myself.
For naught.
"I want" to be more than I am.
But I can't.
There is nothing more.
That's not to say that I am everything or perfect... hardly
simply that... for my existence and purpose... this is it.
There will never be more. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do or acheive. This is it.
This is my best. This is all that I am.
My standards have become so unbearably high that I cannot even be satisfied with myself.
It disgusts me...
This emptiness, this self serving despair, this...life...
"I want" to say something meaningful. express what I feel. help someone understand me... make a connection so I am not alone...
But I am alone... Trapped inside myself. Because coming out is selfish... staying in is selfish. Everything is selfish... that's just how it works...
"I want" to be more than this.
"I want."
All my existence serves is to take, to remove, to collect.
I have no right.
No right at all.
current mood:  morose
current music: My breathing
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
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7:19 pm - Halifax Stanfield International
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This post comes from Halifax International airport... on my way to Saint John's Nefoundland to meet my new roommates and visit for a week.
In other news I bleached my hair and am a proper strawberry blonde.
I miss the friendlyness of these east coast people.. it's genuine... not tip oriented >.<
The flight has gone well so far... time to catch my connector.
Also aside from beer being over priced, service at Legends Bar in Halifax airport is phenomenal, food is good and portions (for the price) are quite generous.
Peace out,
Alexxis Ramsay Hart
current mood:  cheerful
current music: Really great 90's music on the satellite radio
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 21st, 2009
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9:07 pm - I'm leaving.
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I'm going home. The Island calls me. The Mainland Shuns me.
Aside from my friends and father, these people... They don't understand me... are nothing like me. I feel unwelcome... Uneasy and after 7 long years in ontario... I'm done. I'm going home to newfoundland.
I'm sorry to the people who love me and want me to stay. But this is something I have to do. It's selfish, sudden and completely unprecedented. and I'm sorry.
But I can't look back.
I've already installed the tow hitch on the concorde to pull the pony. I cancelled the purchase of the Previa and Sold the Spectra. I've booked the Trailer to tow the pony for the 29th of July and am set to be in Newfoundland on the 1st of August. My landlord has been informed of my intention NOT to continue my lease and has already rented out the home I live in on August 1st. My boss has my official resignation as of the 28th of July. My debts will all be completely repaid by then and I'll even have a few grand in savings. All my loose ends are almost tied up.
I am committed. There's no turning back.
This is something I have to do.
And I have to do it alone.
Once I'm there. I'm going to rebuild the parts of my life I am destroying in the move or that have been destroyed by coming here. I want to be better than I am now... And ontario does nothing but suffocate my efforts... I need to be away from... here.
And so it shall be.
Anyone who wants to see me before I leave needs to contact me by email or MSN. I am far too busy to hunt you all down and I'm sorry if that sounds selfish. You are of course welcome to see me once I move too. It's just hella far from where I am now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you.
But I can't stay here anymore.
I don't belong here. I'm not happy here. I'm not from here. I can't be here anymore. It's driving me crazy. It's time to go home.
Peace and Love,
Alexxis Ramsay Hart
current mood:  busy
current music: Lily Allen - Fuck You
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, April 13th, 2009
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9:33 pm - A first.
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I made a Turkey Dinner for Jeff last night. My first... I did the whole thing all by myself... well except that I got Jeff to carve the bird... and it was prestuffed. I will try carving and making my own stuffing next time.
I'm told it turned out great.
IMHO The meat was tender and flavourful. My whipped turnips were AWESOME. The mashed potatoes were meh but not bad. The asparagus needed a touch of butter and salt but were cooked properly and the stuffing ended up being awesome as I basted the bird and put quite a bit of that into the stuffing as well to moisten and flavour it.
Secret: Instead of using wated under your bird to collect the drippings and keep it moist... use half water, half white wine... doesn't need to be an expensive one... a 7 dollar bottle was fine for our bird.
I'm glad everyone enjoyed... when I have a more suitable home... it will be an open invitation dinner partyish type thing for those who have no one to spend holidays with... I'm not really good with people or parties or anything... but I mean... people need turkey right?
anyway. nuff of me and my ego.
Later all,
Lexx
current mood:  apathetic
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 1st, 2009
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3:31 am
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How could I have done this to myself?
How could I have done this to everyone else?
How can I possibly feel so unloved at this very moment?
So... empty... so... discarded...
so... dead... .. .
I am nothing.
current mood:  Dead
current music: Barenakedladies - Call and Answer
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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12:29 am
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I need your arms around me,
I need to feel your touch.
I need your understanding,
I need your love so much.
You tell me that you love me so,
You tell me that you care,
But when I need you,
(Baby) Baby (Your never there).
On the phone long, long distance,
Always through such strong resistance,
And first you say your too busy,
I wonder if you even miss me?
Never there,
You're never there,
You're never, ever, ever, ever there.
(Hey!)
A golden bird that flies away,
A candle stickled flame, (Hey!)
To think I held you yesterday,
Your love was just a game.
A golden bird that flies away,
A candle stickled flame, (Hey!)
To think I held you yesterday,
Your love was just a game.
You tell me that you love me so,
You tell me that you care,
But when I need you, (baby)
Baby...
Take the time to get to know me,
If you want me, why can't you just show me?
We're always on this roller coaster,
If you want me, why don't you get closer?
Never there,
You're never there,
You're never, ever, ever, ever there.
(Hey!)
Never there,
You're never there,
You're never, ever, ever, ever there.
(Hey!)
current mood: Alone
current music: Cake - Never There
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, March 20th, 2009
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11:28 pm - uhm...
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I dunno what to say or do or feel but I feel as though I should post something... well it wont be too much of a rant or anything I have to go on a call for work in about 10 minutes anyway. I dunno.
I feel... entirely unappreciated lately.
It's made me fairly jaded towards caring about others.
I anger quickly and easily at the smallest things now.
I think I've reached my breaking point.
I'm working ridiculous hours in that good old fashioned way I have of becoming a workoholic when a relationship (in this case two) dissolves.
I am dissatisfied. But I cannot tell if it's with other people or myself.
I feel out of touch and alien in my own skin. I've lost track of where I belong and what I supposed to be doing.
So I have made a resolution.
I am paying off the last of my debts... to everyone and every company. While I save up.
I've picked a nice lot in northern ontario.
I'm going to retire in the next few years.
I'm tired of trying to make everything around me work.
I'm tired of how lonely and depressed I am if I let nature take it's course without my help.
I am not the kind of person who should be surrounding himself with others. at least I'm becoming fairly sure of it.
I bring a lot of people pain and anger with my actions and decisions.
I'm far to brash and proud.
My standards for other people are far FAR to high and I often paint things in lack or white.
My emotional turmoil brings drama to those around me.
I feel it best that I not hurt anyone anymore.
Especially myself.
So I have to keep working hard.
I have to continue avoiding everyone.
It IS working. People are forgetting me and moving on.
Their lives are improving... I even see them smiling. though I watch from far away now.
This IS the right path and the right choice and though it might cause some pain to some people in the short term... the long term effect is more than worth it.
I'm sure I sound like some emo, egoboat who thinks he's some kind of pariah or whatever word you might think most appropriate.
But, while I may not feel the best right now, I am more at peace knowing that I am not hurting the people around me nearly as much as I used to.
Therefore... it is a selfish endeavour. I also acknowledge that. and that part of myself.
I've made peace with it.
This is the right thing to do. I will continue.
Fair weather and safe journeys,
Alexxis Hart
current mood:  blank
current music: Bloody Roar in the background
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
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3:09 pm - L is for Loser
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When you were three, I was just four
You were the cute little girl next door
We played hide and seek, kissed on the cheek
Cowboys and Indians, you and me
Your ribbons and braids, pink lemonade
Wings and a halo, had it made
I was your knight, and you were my queen
Fought all of the dragons in my dreams
Thought I had you figured out
Read my lips she screamed
Na na na na na
L is for loser she said
What were you thinking
What's going on inside your head
L is for loser my friend
Ain't got a clue here
What's going on inside your stupid head
When you were eight, love turned to hate
Daddy left home, you moved interstate
My angel was lost, her halo tossed
Wings in tatters, dreams to dust
At nine I was cool, yeah broke all the rules
Messed up the teacher, got kicked outta school
They said you won't get far, with ya drums and guitar
Well speak to the hand, coz I'm rock star 2-3-4
Thought you had me figured out
Read my lips I screamed
Na na na na na
L is for loser I said
What were you thinking
What's going on inside your head
L is for loser my friend
Ain't got a clue here
What's going on inside your stupid head
L-O-S-E-R
Ain't gonna work
Gonna get you far
L-O-S-E-R lose
Now at thirteen, how bad could it get
All pimples and braces, the teachers pet
Hooked up with some guy, turned into a creep
Reap what you sow, you said "read em and weep"
Called me on the phone, said you were alone
You're on the next train, you're coming home
Now she was sixteen, she was legal and keen
The sweetest of dreams, you know what I mean
Read my lips she screamed
Na na na na na
I was a loser she said
What was I thinking
What's going on inside my head
L is for loser my friend
Just you and me here
Let's work it out and get it on instead...
current mood:  discontent
current music: Lee Harding - L is For Loser
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, October 15th, 2008
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2:30 pm - South Park MegaMix
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"Holy Shit Dude"
"Jew J-J-J-J-J-J-Jew. Fucking Jew"
"Eric! D-did you just say the Ehf word?"
"J-Jew?"
"You can't say fuck in school! You fucking fat ass."
"Why-w-w-w-why the fuck not?"
"You just said fuck ag-g-g-g-g-ain!"
"W-w-w-w-w-w-what's the big d-d-deal? Itt-t-t-t doesn't hurt anybody..."
"Fuck-fuck fuckety f-fuck-fuck-fuck"
Yea I know. Lots of cussing and this file is older than time... something about remixing swearing makes me laugh. I know. I'm an off the cuff toilet humour lover.
EAT ME, ASSFACE.
*Dances anyway*
Truly,
Brad
Also anyone who wants a copy of the FLV lemme know heh. (no I didn't make it)
In other news. I will not be associating with the furry fandom anymore as a fur. I'm done with the drama the bull and the random hatred once AGAIN pointed my way when I did nothing at all.
So from now on, Brad will be just fine. Alexxis Hart is Dead. End of Story.
current mood: Apathy Towards Flies.
current music: South Park MegaMix
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 27th, 2008
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10:51 am - moldy cow!
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fear linux,
yah yah likes, yah yah likes secret granade dynamic , Yah yah likes seaside Mia, do ya?
Yah Yah likes midnight beef sadness with ya. Yah Yah likes your next New York "Snu" with me.
Yah Yah likes my I.E.V E-Net.
Yah Yah likes slow walkies when your love needn't choose, you sit and love most the night,
sleep your retard nut and keeps you here at night; close down that Voodoo. See ya soon and we can play. See to that!
Your new message in the door sings "Here too give save'near we met. Snatch that." ha ha! Oh sh**s ok. God's seen campy bean.
But whos saying I'm not Snaffle J Bean? I'll snip exit, perfume Mag with ya.
Feeling the hook.
Yah Yah likes slow walkies whether "Sna" leaves me good or I make love again, I'm not slut not easy never what you thought
Sorry Ray Romano, put it back in matching socks, no tea go.
Would you leave the house of us, talk me through to not be sad. Now pop hugley, see by ye movement.Says he could be loved now.
He licked me all down core to all of me, my Dad release the slowst enemia, heal me and be done now.
Yah Yah likes slow walkies with the nutty nut when my nut-nut snakes up, sin a ... jack falls onto me at night, please say me
cake's so near better, hold me up, plus I sit up. Pleasure was the one best gift, Stuff a lover down...
current mood:  awake
current music: guess?
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, August 20th, 2008
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10:29 am - 23
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Yay birthday :P
Yes I'm still alive. I work at Oil Changers now (sweet). Usually have weekends off.
Cell phone is turned off permanently. Don't need it anymore.
Landline is available. 613-228-4814.
Truly,
Lexx
current mood:  chipper
current music: neigh!
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(16 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
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7:34 pm - Boothbishop?
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"Shelly Boothbishop isn't about to let you over egg this pudding."
This is surprisingly difficult to say O.o
current mood:  ditzy
current music: Family Guy FTW!
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 13th, 2008
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3:40 pm - Werk
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More work tonight.
Just mowed the lawn.
I smell like sweat, pollen and gasoline (yay).
Also,
Doo doo dee doo dee doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo-doo.
¬.¬
Ants are killing what's left of my grass to cut but I can't use chemicals... at least... not yet. Hope I'll be allowed before it's too late.
Out for now,
Lexx
current mood:  bitchy
current music: They Might Be Giants - Jessica
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, June 12th, 2008
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2:06 pm
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I work too much.
That is all.
current mood: busy
current music: Allman Brothers - Jessica
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2008
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1:14 pm
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Well last night was fun.
So much fun I didn't do the errands I set out for >.<
Originally the plan was to head out to Jeff's parents and drop off a light we don't use and an air compressor we had borrowed. Also we had decided to take a swim (It was 35 degrees celcius outside... we needed to get wet)
So I stopped in to grab Shade, Cam, Nanashi, and Dustin. But Dustin and Nanashi were still at work. So we just had Shade and Cam.
We were there and Jeff's mom gave us some meat for a barbeque.
We swam for two hours. Much fun was had by all.
Then Shade and I went to the grocery store for some supplies.
We came back and Shade showed me how to make Hamburgers from scratch (I've never made burgers from just ground beef before... I always bought them premade) He was gonna do it but he cut himself on one of the pool toys and had an open wound on his hand.
But it was ok. I ended doing not bad of a job and I made a glaze from some beer & chipotle sauce with the addition of a little real maple syrup (not too sweet just for flavour) and Jeff shaved some marble cheese for us. It was really good.
After this we took the boys home (stumbling upon a gas station that was charging only 129.2 per liter when the rest of the city was still at 136.9) and stopped at another gas station on the way cause it was still like 25 degrees and I wanted Ice cream. Also a superb idea in the end heh. (Ice cream frequently is hehe)
We got home around 11 PM. Got out of the van... and there in the trunk. The light and the Air Compressor. *face Paw*
Also I forgot to go to lush and pick up body wash. >.<
Oh well. It was fun, and tasty, and now I have something to do today >.<
I feel better. I was missing Shade and Cam. I still miss them now... but I just saw them yesterday so it's ok. 'Sides... I'm sure they've had enough of me for one day lol.
Truly,
Lexx
current mood: cheerful
current music: None
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, June 2nd, 2008
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3:05 pm - 42.
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I don't know what to post. I want to post everything I feel right now but I only have 10 minutes before I have to shower and head to work.
Bleh.
I miss... being social.
But I hate seeing people.
Every social gathering is just one more conflict I want to avoid.
I guess those people got what they wanted though.
I never hang around anymore.
I don't want to run into people who just make me wish I never showed up.
I have such a guilt complex that even an evil sneer form them makes me want to leave.
People always think I'm flighty or uninterested.
I don't go to fur parties, or the summer thing at Kevin's place, I don't go to furmeets or anything.
I organize hang outs with my friends...
I don't want any drama. I have too much anxiety to deal with it anymore...
I don't want to run into the issues of the past and have them blow in my face in a public place.
I just don't have any strength to stand up and yell at someone or break down their defenses and fight back in a public place. I don't know why I just... clam up.
But one on one or in a place of fewer people (or not a party) I have no problem standing up for myself and beating them (verballly) to a pulp. Believe it or not I think I'm afraid of crowds... or maybe it's that I don't want to kill eveyrone's buzz with the drama that just wont leave me alone. So I just don't go anymore... then again... it's been a long time... maybe all that's blown over... who knows. I guess I could try going out again (who has the time?) I guess I'm afraid that things will just keep being awful. I'd rather miss my friends and have them hate me, then have so douchefag blow up their party or meet by putting out super bad vibes or fighting with me over an abandoned dresser, or "you slept with blah blah and then they hated me so it's your fault" or "You never called me for two hours now I hate you" or "They didn't choose me so that means you made them choose you over me and your a controlling jerk".
Gosh I know I'm wrong a lot, I know I'm at fault for a lot of things, but I'm tired of being a scapegoat for it. I accept responsibility a lot. A LOT. I'm even a scapegoat sometimes. But I hate. ABSOLUTELY HATE, when people blame me for there short comings or the decisions of others that had nothing to do with me! Or when someone loses something because of a law and then I profit from it so they think they can hate me and exploit me because I obviously abused them when in fact they would have lost said object anyway.
There are a great many things I do RIGHT you know?
I don't take advantage of people (maybe the situation but never a person).
Yes Zalika I still have that dresser you left behind in the room you stopped paying for when you moved away suddenly leaving behind all kinds of bills for gabarus. and no one hates you for that. However you left no contact info, and after a short time the law says that it's considered abandoned. This means the landlord can kick it to the curb (and generally does) in this case that meant Gabarus. Instead, since I needed furniture and would've just brought it back in from the curb anyway he just gave it to me. I did not STEAL anything. I even offered to return it and then you missed me bringing it to you three times which cost me a lot but I still wasn't mad. At this point. IT'S A DAMN PIECE OF WOOD. GET OVER IT AND STOP GLARING AT ME EVERYTIME WE BUMP INTO EACH OTHER IN PUBLIC PLACES.
...
that felt good.
I guess... maybe it's only still alive... cause I still give a damn...
but if I didn't give a damn about stuff... would people still like me or would I be cold?
A lot of people say they like me because I have a big heart... if I didn't care abotu doing anything wrong... would they still like me?
Although in the case I just babbled on about forever... I didn't do anything wrong... hence why I'm angry about the reaction to the situation of the other person...
I guess... I need to let go of THAT crap. Where I didn't do anything wrong... and if the other person hates me then so be it...
I don't like that though. I don't want people to dislike me. I don't want people to spread things about me either... everyone is right from their point of view I guess...
Well except maybe me. Wait... that sounds egotistical... what I mean is I don't mind admitting I'm wrong (and frequently am and do admit it!) not that I'm better than anyone. (in fact that's the furthest thing from the truth)
But Alexxis you haven't posted in months!
Why suddenly now, and all this bullshit no one cares about?
Simple. I'm having an anxiety overload. I'm all nervous and twitchy inside.
Why?
Zart is moving back.
Just what I needed. Let's turn over a rock and unearth all the lovely creepy crawly things underneath. I'm positively terrified of the damage that boy could do if I let him back into my life. I fear for myself and the people I care about.
Then again what happened, happened a long time ago and he MAY be a different person. Plus I had a complete mental episode over that and ended up a recluse for over a year while I tried to figure it all out (I never did btw) I don't know why it scares me. I just don't ever want it to happen again... I don't want to watch the people I love turn away from me in disgust, and go to him. I don't want to watch him sneer at the power he has over me. I don't want to live each day trying to avoid anguish and fear. I don't want to be used or the people around me used against me. I don't want to.
I DON'T WANT TO.
NEVER AGAIN.
I'm scared.
I feel alone.
and there's nothing I can do.
This person frightens me.
I love being a pet or even mildly enslaved...
but I didn't know that then... and neither did he...
and the way things were... weren't anything like that...
they were... very very different...
and now I'm slave to fear of being even in the same neighbourhood as... him.
Back then (albeit I didn't know) someone was trying to protect me...
and I have a dozen and one people who'd do it now. but I don't want anyone... ANYONE anywhere near anything that will come of me and him bumping into one another... I don't want anyone drawn in or controlled or hurt.
I will deal with this one myself...
I want to run away so bad... just avoid it... like I have been everything the last little while. I want to run to someone's arms and cry (though I do that VERY little these days.)
But I'm afraid that it will be like before, he'll remember my weakness.
I can be strong on my own, stand tall and proud, unwavering undamageable and weather any storm...
Bring my loved ones into it, anyone I care about at all... and I crumble like overly weathered brick. I don't want anyone to hurt, I don't want anyone to be used, I don't want to hate myself for not being able to protect them.
I don't want it to happen again.
NEVER AGAIN.
NO MORE.
NO.
.
current mood:  distressed
current music: None.
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 3rd, 2008
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7:25 am
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OMG Cute
That is all
current mood: awake
current music: Ben Folds - Still
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
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1:51 am
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I must give the impression
That I have the answers for everything
You were so disappointed
To see me unravel so easily
It's only change
It's only everything I know
It's only change, and I'm only changing
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
You want something that's constant
and I only wanted to be me
but watch even the stars above
things that seem still are still changing
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
current music: Ben Folds - Still
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 24th, 2008
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8:59 pm - Wow
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So like I haven't touched this thing in 3 months...
I guess I'm just so busy, and I've been offline and the one person I really want to read it... doesn't... but oh well lol.
I'm overflowing with emotion tonight so time for another blurb.
Actually...
No I'll just four things.
First I ate two fortune cookies today.
My Fortunes for today:
"You tend to express yourself passionately and courageously."
"Your friends admire your leadership skills."
Yea.
Ego boosters.
I think they want me to eat there again.
Ok so I lied.
Five things.
The other three I'll put behind cuts cause it's just more lyrics that no one will read >.<
One:
( Three Doors Down - Away From The Sun )
and two:
( Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am )
And three:
( KT Tunstall - Black Horse And The Cherry Tree )
So Can you guess my mood tonight?
current mood: It's a Surprise
current music: KT Unstall - Black Horse and a Cherry Tree
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(comment on this)
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alexxis_hart's journal