Unicorn Dreams...

wtf?

2009-07-16T06:20:34Z

Someone loosened the lugnuts on my car today... I'm lucky I caught it in time... Wheel could've rolled right off... the question is who... and why?

in other news.

ASS-es the window!

"No that's assESS the window. You put the wrong emPHAsess on the wrong syLABle"

O.o

Truly,
Alexxis Ramsay Hart

I want to do something meaningful...

2009-07-06T07:11:36Z

Update: Newfoundland is going to have to wait. Naturally I made a decision so suddenly all the factors that lead to making it a good one, changed.
I'll be staying longer in ontario... until I'm set and perfectly in control of all factors. Nothing is going to take this away from me.

Tonights Entry (seperate from the above note):
I want to say or do something meaningful...
but the more I think about it... the more I realize how selfish I really am.
I've thought of selfless things...
and realized that I'd only be doing them to make myself feel better...
I'm beginning to resign to the fact... that I'm just not a good person... and I don't think I ever will be... not at this point... even wanting to... changing to... trying too... it's all selfish and self serving.
I've become a hollow creature. Empty inside. I'm one with it. I don't try to fill it. I think I'm bad enough. I will continue forward and try to be something... I don't know what. But no matter what I say or do... I am unable to right myself. There is no right answer. Every road contains a wrong. I must choose one... at least for the time being. Which is the least evil? How little harm can I do?
Why do I think I'm NEARLY this important?
Whatever I don't know.
I want to write. Write stories... about things... I want people to understand my emotions... to know my depth... to feel as I do... It's a selfish want...to be understood. It's a selfish thing to assume you're complex enough not to be.
It all comes back to the same two words.
"I want."
"I want" to be happy. "I want" a nice house. "I want" to live. "I want" to die.
No matter what it is... how you word it... what your desire is... it is selfish... self serving. I have nothing to truly offer anyone but myself. An empty hollow shell with a bouncy, bitchy, hypersexual exterior.
I am nothing more or less than any other person.
I am not humble, I am not unvein, I am not significant.
I am the embodiment of everything I loath and despise. Though that's not to say that I hate myself.
I want.
I want to know that I am understood... something everyone seeks. It's not about social position, or monetary gain or furthering the race or anything... none of those goals that people set for themselves are anything more than self serving goals... by acheiving them we hope to encounter someone who understands along the way...
so many people die alone... surrounded by loved ones, happy smiles on their faces, having led complete and fulfilled lives. but they are alone.
No god or deity can understand you either. They surely love you... as do your family and friends. But no one can understand anyone. We are alone inside ourselves.
Our lives continue because we hope that it wont stay that way... we soldier forward knowing that it all comes to an end and that that one thing is the ultimate acheivement.
We seek the appropriate social groups, places to be accepted, with acceptable mates to get close with and try to help through the journey. We surround ourselves with people and things that nurture our desires...
It's all self serving to fill that void within us. That big empty void.
The real question is: WHY?
Why... anything?
My life serves no purpose. and even if it did... it would end. Even if I were benevolent, selfless, pure... The result is the same... and regardless of what does or does not happen in the afterlife... The result is the same. It ends. Life moves forward... and it doesn't MATTER if I find that which I seek.
Which in turn means I do not matter.
I want to matter.
Not to history, not to my children, not to a deity, not to a loved one.
There's something more... I cannot describe or properly put forth in any medium... all I know... is that... I do not matter... in the way that I want to... and I never will.
And for this... I feel guilty, a failure, selfish over the nights of lost sleep about something I can't properly fathom... I spend too much time thinking... or distracting myself from thinking... trying to be happy, trying to feel good... allowing my body it's urges and needs and wants... it's all for naught. It will end... I will have led a happy fulfilling life. I will die with loved ones near me... All that any one ever wants is mine.
And yet... I'm empty.
Why?
Is there nothing more than this? Is this all that I am?
So many have thought me full of myself, questioning everything, as if I have some divine right to question the world, never satisfied, my standards too high.
That's not it at all... it never has been... I admit to my selfishness... I admit I will allow a friendship to die if it serves me not. I admit my bad traits and faults. I cannot explain or rationalize it. I can only say that it is never personal. Except that it is. Not to me. I don't hurt someone because I derive pleasure from it... but I also know that it's personal for the person who is hurt... and yet my feelings do not change...
People think me heartless because I can show such coldness... or maybe it's just that I've become so accustomed to the guilt and anguish that it no longer formulates into something tangible for the other party...
I feel.
Just as any one else does.
I feel guilty, lonely, angry, sad... I do feel these emotions... just as anyone else does...
It's hard to express emotions... Even though I'm so vivid... sometimes violent in expressing emotions... when someone wants or expects me to react a certain way... it becomes internal... perhaps in a bid to protect myself from manipulation I do not know.
I've said many times that I am taking myself out of the dating scene for various reasons... The best one I can think of is that I don't need to hurt anymore people with this... this self indulgent rambling... this conceited effort to be a working human being. No one else needs to fall into the trap that is my blackened soul. It is not to protect them though. oh no. nothing so benevolent. It's is to protect me. From the guilt I feel when I hurt people.
Selfish to the end. I will smile and hold in my bad emotions... not to prevent others from seeing them, not to put on a brave face... But to keep from the feelings I have when externalizing my sour emotions. Again, guilt, anger.
It all comes back to me and how I feel.
"I want" to feel 'x'.
People were right. We choose how we feel.
Or were they?
How can someone choose to feel so utterly alone, so utterly empty. A room full of people who love and care about me, smiling and happy, enjoying myself... and I still feel empty. What kind of person CHOOSES to feel that way?
A selfish one.
Even this journal... my ramblings in this post... all of it... self serving... self depricating... self loathing. How are people expected to react to that? I'm sure there's something subconcious going on... making me both accept and reject what is probably starting to seem like a cry for attention.
and I'm cought between hating myself for continuing and not deleting it... and the importance of posting it... so it's not inside of me any longer threatening to unravel my last shreds of sanity.
There is... Nothing.
I am nothing.
I am no one.
I do not deserve to be anything or anyone. Not because I am bad... Not because I hate myself. not for any other reason... than I will do nothing with it.
I am irrelevant. my desire to BE relevant is selfish and self serving and thus is also irrelevant.
I will always be out of place... Because I belong only with myself and alone.
But I am selfish. I will not be alone. I will not be in no place. I will persue "happiness" and "Fulfillment." I will be a good boy and smile and eat and workout and date and buy a home and move near to people who care about me and entice others I've left behind to be near me later in life.
Selfish.
My whole world revolves around me... even when it doesn't.
And it's all so silly... I cry and giggle a lot when I'm by myself. Even then... when I'm thinking of what to do or who to hang out with... I have a goal... something to acheive... Something for me.
If you ever wonder why I'm evasive and reclusive...
I don't like to use people... makes me feel guilty... and no matter what... whenever I'm around people... In some way. I'm using them... to my own benefit. They may benefit also... perhaps even vicariously... but that makes it no less selfish of me.
I've obectified everything in my life down to the most minute of details. Carefully filed information in my brain. And I sit, compiling it, constantly, finding new ways to explore and exploit things to further myself.
For naught.
"I want" to be more than I am.
But I can't.
There is nothing more.
That's not to say that I am everything or perfect... hardly
simply that... for my existence and purpose... this is it.
There will never be more. No matter how hard I try, no matter what I do or acheive. This is it.
This is my best. This is all that I am.
My standards have become so unbearably high that I cannot even be satisfied with myself.
It disgusts me...
This emptiness, this self serving despair, this...life...
"I want" to say something meaningful. express what I feel. help someone understand me... make a connection so I am not alone...
But I am alone... Trapped inside myself. Because coming out is selfish... staying in is selfish. Everything is selfish... that's just how it works...
"I want" to be more than this.
"I want."
All my existence serves is to take, to remove, to collect.
I have no right.
No right at all.

Halifax Stanfield International

2009-06-16T22:23:51Z

This post comes from Halifax International airport... on my way to Saint John's Nefoundland to meet my new roommates and visit for a week.

In other news I bleached my hair and am a proper strawberry blonde.

I miss the friendlyness of these east coast people.. it's genuine... not tip oriented >.<

The flight has gone well so far... time to catch my connector.

Also aside from beer being over priced, service at Legends Bar in Halifax airport is phenomenal, food is good and portions (for the price) are quite generous.

Peace out,
Alexxis Ramsay Hart

I'm leaving.

2009-05-22T01:18:34Z

I'm going home. The Island calls me. The Mainland Shuns me.
Aside from my friends and father, these people... They don't understand me... are nothing like me. I feel unwelcome... Uneasy and after 7 long years in ontario... I'm done. I'm going home to newfoundland.

I'm sorry to the people who love me and want me to stay. But this is something I have to do. It's selfish, sudden and completely unprecedented. and I'm sorry.
But I can't look back.

I've already installed the tow hitch on the concorde to pull the pony. I cancelled the purchase of the Previa and Sold the Spectra. I've booked the Trailer to tow the pony for the 29th of July and am set to be in Newfoundland on the 1st of August. My landlord has been informed of my intention NOT to continue my lease and has already rented out the home I live in on August 1st. My boss has my official resignation as of the 28th of July. My debts will all be completely repaid by then and I'll even have a few grand in savings. All my loose ends are almost tied up.

I am committed. There's no turning back.
This is something I have to do.
And I have to do it alone.

Once I'm there. I'm going to rebuild the parts of my life I am destroying in the move or that have been destroyed by coming here. I want to be better than I am now... And ontario does nothing but suffocate my efforts... I need to be away from... here.
And so it shall be.

Anyone who wants to see me before I leave needs to contact me by email or MSN. I am far too busy to hunt you all down and I'm sorry if that sounds selfish. You are of course welcome to see me once I move too. It's just hella far from where I am now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all of you.
But I can't stay here anymore.

I don't belong here. I'm not happy here. I'm not from here. I can't be here anymore. It's driving me crazy. It's time to go home.

Peace and Love,

Alexxis Ramsay Hart

A first.

2009-04-14T01:41:20Z

I made a Turkey Dinner for Jeff last night. My first... I did the whole thing all by myself... well except that I got Jeff to carve the bird... and it was prestuffed. I will try carving and making my own stuffing next time.
I'm told it turned out great.

IMHO The meat was tender and flavourful. My whipped turnips were AWESOME. The mashed potatoes were meh but not bad. The asparagus needed a touch of butter and salt but were cooked properly and the stuffing ended up being awesome as I basted the bird and put quite a bit of that into the stuffing as well to moisten and flavour it.

Secret: Instead of using wated under your bird to collect the drippings and keep it moist... use half water, half white wine... doesn't need to be an expensive one... a 7 dollar bottle was fine for our bird.

I'm glad everyone enjoyed... when I have a more suitable home... it will be an open invitation dinner partyish type thing for those who have no one to spend holidays with... I'm not really good with people or parties or anything... but I mean... people need turkey right?

anyway. nuff of me and my ego.

Later all,
Lexx

alexxis_hart @ 2009-04-01T03:31:00

2009-04-01T07:41:37Z

How could I have done this to myself?
How could I have done this to everyone else?
How can I possibly feel so unloved at this very moment?
So... empty... so... discarded...
so... dead... .. .

I am nothing.

alexxis_hart @ 2009-04-01T00:29:00

2009-04-01T04:34:22Z

I need your arms around me,
I need to feel your touch.

I need your understanding,
I need your love so much.

You tell me that you love me so,
You tell me that you care,
But when I need you,
(Baby) Baby (Your never there).

On the phone long, long distance,
Always through such strong resistance,
And first you say your too busy,
I wonder if you even miss me?

Never there,
You're never there,
You're never, ever, ever, ever there.
(Hey!)

A golden bird that flies away,
A candle stickled flame, (Hey!)
To think I held you yesterday,
Your love was just a game.

A golden bird that flies away,
A candle stickled flame, (Hey!)
To think I held you yesterday,
Your love was just a game.

You tell me that you love me so,
You tell me that you care,
But when I need you, (baby)
Baby...

Take the time to get to know me,
If you want me, why can't you just show me?
We're always on this roller coaster,
If you want me, why don't you get closer?

Never there,
You're never there,
You're never, ever, ever, ever there.
(Hey!)

Never there,
You're never there,
You're never, ever, ever, ever there.
(Hey!)

uhm...

2009-03-21T03:48:02Z

I dunno what to say or do or feel but I feel as though I should post something... well it wont be too much of a rant or anything I have to go on a call for work in about 10 minutes anyway. I dunno.
I feel... entirely unappreciated lately.
It's made me fairly jaded towards caring about others.
I anger quickly and easily at the smallest things now.
I think I've reached my breaking point.
I'm working ridiculous hours in that good old fashioned way I have of becoming a workoholic when a relationship (in this case two) dissolves.
I am dissatisfied. But I cannot tell if it's with other people or myself.
I feel out of touch and alien in my own skin. I've lost track of where I belong and what I supposed to be doing.
So I have made a resolution.
I am paying off the last of my debts... to everyone and every company. While I save up.
I've picked a nice lot in northern ontario.
I'm going to retire in the next few years.
I'm tired of trying to make everything around me work.
I'm tired of how lonely and depressed I am if I let nature take it's course without my help.
I am not the kind of person who should be surrounding himself with others. at least I'm becoming fairly sure of it.
I bring a lot of people pain and anger with my actions and decisions.
I'm far to brash and proud.
My standards for other people are far FAR to high and I often paint things in lack or white.
My emotional turmoil brings drama to those around me.
I feel it best that I not hurt anyone anymore.
Especially myself.
So I have to keep working hard.
I have to continue avoiding everyone.
It IS working. People are forgetting me and moving on.
Their lives are improving... I even see them smiling. though I watch from far away now.
This IS the right path and the right choice and though it might cause some pain to some people in the short term... the long term effect is more than worth it.
I'm sure I sound like some emo, egoboat who thinks he's some kind of pariah or whatever word you might think most appropriate.
But, while I may not feel the best right now, I am more at peace knowing that I am not hurting the people around me nearly as much as I used to.
Therefore... it is a selfish endeavour. I also acknowledge that. and that part of myself.
I've made peace with it.
This is the right thing to do. I will continue.

Fair weather and safe journeys,
Alexxis Hart

L is for Loser

2008-10-21T19:12:07Z

When you were three, I was just four
You were the cute little girl next door
We played hide and seek, kissed on the cheek
Cowboys and Indians, you and me
Your ribbons and braids, pink lemonade
Wings and a halo, had it made
I was your knight, and you were my queen
Fought all of the dragons in my dreams
Thought I had you figured out
Read my lips she screamed
Na na na na na

L is for loser she said
What were you thinking
What's going on inside your head
L is for loser my friend
Ain't got a clue here
What's going on inside your stupid head

When you were eight, love turned to hate
Daddy left home, you moved interstate
My angel was lost, her halo tossed
Wings in tatters, dreams to dust
At nine I was cool, yeah broke all the rules
Messed up the teacher, got kicked outta school
They said you won't get far, with ya drums and guitar
Well speak to the hand, coz I'm rock star 2-3-4
Thought you had me figured out
Read my lips I screamed
Na na na na na

L is for loser I said
What were you thinking
What's going on inside your head
L is for loser my friend
Ain't got a clue here
What's going on inside your stupid head

L-O-S-E-R
Ain't gonna work
Gonna get you far
L-O-S-E-R lose

Now at thirteen, how bad could it get
All pimples and braces, the teachers pet
Hooked up with some guy, turned into a creep
Reap what you sow, you said "read em and weep"
Called me on the phone, said you were alone
You're on the next train, you're coming home
Now she was sixteen, she was legal and keen
The sweetest of dreams, you know what I mean
Read my lips she screamed
Na na na na na

I was a loser she said
What was I thinking
What's going on inside my head
L is for loser my friend
Just you and me here
Let's work it out and get it on instead...

South Park MegaMix

2008-10-15T18:39:05Z

"Holy Shit Dude"
"Jew J-J-J-J-J-J-Jew. Fucking Jew"
"Eric! D-did you just say the Ehf word?"
"J-Jew?"
"You can't say fuck in school! You fucking fat ass."
"Why-w-w-w-why the fuck not?"
"You just said fuck ag-g-g-g-g-ain!"
"W-w-w-w-w-w-what's the big d-d-deal? Itt-t-t-t doesn't hurt anybody..."
"Fuck-fuck fuckety f-fuck-fuck-fuck"

Yea I know. Lots of cussing and this file is older than time... something about remixing swearing makes me laugh. I know. I'm an off the cuff toilet humour lover.
EAT ME, ASSFACE.
*Dances anyway*

Truly,
Brad

Also anyone who wants a copy of the FLV lemme know heh. (no I didn't make it)
In other news. I will not be associating with the furry fandom anymore as a fur. I'm done with the drama the bull and the random hatred once AGAIN pointed my way when I did nothing at all.
So from now on, Brad will be just fine. Alexxis Hart is Dead. End of Story.

moldy cow!

2008-08-27T14:52:47Z

fear linux,
yah yah likes, yah yah likes secret granade dynamic , Yah yah likes seaside Mia, do ya?
Yah Yah likes midnight beef sadness with ya. Yah Yah likes your next New York "Snu" with me.
Yah Yah likes my I.E.V E-Net.

Yah Yah likes slow walkies when your love needn't choose, you sit and love most the night,
sleep your retard nut and keeps you here at night; close down that Voodoo. See ya soon and we can play. See to that!

Your new message in the door sings "Here too give save'near we met. Snatch that." ha ha! Oh sh**s ok. God's seen campy bean.

But whos saying I'm not Snaffle J Bean? I'll snip exit, perfume Mag with ya.

Feeling the hook.

Yah Yah likes slow walkies whether "Sna" leaves me good or I make love again, I'm not slut not easy never what you thought
Sorry Ray Romano, put it back in matching socks, no tea go.

Would you leave the house of us, talk me through to not be sad. Now pop hugley, see by ye movement.Says he could be loved now.
He licked me all down core to all of me, my Dad release the slowst enemia, heal me and be done now.

Yah Yah likes slow walkies with the nutty nut when my nut-nut snakes up, sin a ... jack falls onto me at night, please say me
cake's so near better, hold me up, plus I sit up. Pleasure was the one best gift, Stuff a lover down...

23

2008-08-20T14:31:54Z

Yay birthday :P

Yes I'm still alive. I work at Oil Changers now (sweet). Usually have weekends off.
Cell phone is turned off permanently. Don't need it anymore.
Landline is available. 613-228-4814.

Truly,
Lexx

Boothbishop?

2008-06-24T23:35:07Z

"Shelly Boothbishop isn't about to let you over egg this pudding."

This is surprisingly difficult to say O.o

Werk

2008-06-13T19:42:11Z

More work tonight.
Just mowed the lawn.
I smell like sweat, pollen and gasoline (yay).
Also,
Doo doo dee doo dee doo doo doo-doo doo doo doo-doo.
¬.¬
Ants are killing what's left of my grass to cut but I can't use chemicals... at least... not yet. Hope I'll be allowed before it's too late.

Out for now,
Lexx

alexxis_hart @ 2008-06-12T14:06:00

2008-06-12T18:18:01Z

I work too much.

That is all.

alexxis_hart @ 2008-06-08T13:14:00

2008-06-08T17:35:33Z

Well last night was fun.
So much fun I didn't do the errands I set out for >.<
Originally the plan was to head out to Jeff's parents and drop off a light we don't use and an air compressor we had borrowed. Also we had decided to take a swim (It was 35 degrees celcius outside... we needed to get wet)
So I stopped in to grab Shade, Cam, Nanashi, and Dustin. But Dustin and Nanashi were still at work. So we just had Shade and Cam.
We were there and Jeff's mom gave us some meat for a barbeque.
We swam for two hours. Much fun was had by all.
Then Shade and I went to the grocery store for some supplies.
We came back and Shade showed me how to make Hamburgers from scratch (I've never made burgers from just ground beef before... I always bought them premade) He was gonna do it but he cut himself on one of the pool toys and had an open wound on his hand.
But it was ok. I ended doing not bad of a job and I made a glaze from some beer & chipotle sauce with the addition of a little real maple syrup (not too sweet just for flavour) and Jeff shaved some marble cheese for us. It was really good.
After this we took the boys home (stumbling upon a gas station that was charging only 129.2 per liter when the rest of the city was still at 136.9) and stopped at another gas station on the way cause it was still like 25 degrees and I wanted Ice cream. Also a superb idea in the end heh. (Ice cream frequently is hehe)
We got home around 11 PM. Got out of the van... and there in the trunk. The light and the Air Compressor. *face Paw*
Also I forgot to go to lush and pick up body wash. >.<
Oh well. It was fun, and tasty, and now I have something to do today >.<
I feel better. I was missing Shade and Cam. I still miss them now... but I just saw them yesterday so it's ok. 'Sides... I'm sure they've had enough of me for one day lol.

Truly,
Lexx

42.

2008-06-02T19:33:47Z

I don't know what to post. I want to post everything I feel right now but I only have 10 minutes before I have to shower and head to work.
Bleh.
I miss... being social.
But I hate seeing people.
Every social gathering is just one more conflict I want to avoid.
I guess those people got what they wanted though.
I never hang around anymore.
I don't want to run into people who just make me wish I never showed up.
I have such a guilt complex that even an evil sneer form them makes me want to leave.
People always think I'm flighty or uninterested.
I don't go to fur parties, or the summer thing at Kevin's place, I don't go to furmeets or anything.
I organize hang outs with my friends...
I don't want any drama. I have too much anxiety to deal with it anymore...
I don't want to run into the issues of the past and have them blow in my face in a public place.
I just don't have any strength to stand up and yell at someone or break down their defenses and fight back in a public place. I don't know why I just... clam up.
But one on one or in a place of fewer people (or not a party) I have no problem standing up for myself and beating them (verballly) to a pulp. Believe it or not I think I'm afraid of crowds... or maybe it's that I don't want to kill eveyrone's buzz with the drama that just wont leave me alone. So I just don't go anymore... then again... it's been a long time... maybe all that's blown over... who knows. I guess I could try going out again (who has the time?) I guess I'm afraid that things will just keep being awful. I'd rather miss my friends and have them hate me, then have so douchefag blow up their party or meet by putting out super bad vibes or fighting with me over an abandoned dresser, or "you slept with blah blah and then they hated me so it's your fault" or "You never called me for two hours now I hate you" or "They didn't choose me so that means you made them choose you over me and your a controlling jerk".
Gosh I know I'm wrong a lot, I know I'm at fault for a lot of things, but I'm tired of being a scapegoat for it. I accept responsibility a lot. A LOT. I'm even a scapegoat sometimes. But I hate. ABSOLUTELY HATE, when people blame me for there short comings or the decisions of others that had nothing to do with me! Or when someone loses something because of a law and then I profit from it so they think they can hate me and exploit me because I obviously abused them when in fact they would have lost said object anyway.

There are a great many things I do RIGHT you know?
I don't take advantage of people (maybe the situation but never a person).
Yes Zalika I still have that dresser you left behind in the room you stopped paying for when you moved away suddenly leaving behind all kinds of bills for gabarus. and no one hates you for that. However you left no contact info, and after a short time the law says that it's considered abandoned. This means the landlord can kick it to the curb (and generally does) in this case that meant Gabarus. Instead, since I needed furniture and would've just brought it back in from the curb anyway he just gave it to me. I did not STEAL anything. I even offered to return it and then you missed me bringing it to you three times which cost me a lot but I still wasn't mad. At this point. IT'S A DAMN PIECE OF WOOD. GET OVER IT AND STOP GLARING AT ME EVERYTIME WE BUMP INTO EACH OTHER IN PUBLIC PLACES.
...
that felt good.
I guess... maybe it's only still alive... cause I still give a damn...
but if I didn't give a damn about stuff... would people still like me or would I be cold?
A lot of people say they like me because I have a big heart... if I didn't care abotu doing anything wrong... would they still like me?
Although in the case I just babbled on about forever... I didn't do anything wrong... hence why I'm angry about the reaction to the situation of the other person...
I guess... I need to let go of THAT crap. Where I didn't do anything wrong... and if the other person hates me then so be it...
I don't like that though. I don't want people to dislike me. I don't want people to spread things about me either... everyone is right from their point of view I guess...
Well except maybe me. Wait... that sounds egotistical... what I mean is I don't mind admitting I'm wrong (and frequently am and do admit it!) not that I'm better than anyone. (in fact that's the furthest thing from the truth)
But Alexxis you haven't posted in months!
Why suddenly now, and all this bullshit no one cares about?
Simple. I'm having an anxiety overload. I'm all nervous and twitchy inside.
Why?
Zart is moving back.
Just what I needed. Let's turn over a rock and unearth all the lovely creepy crawly things underneath. I'm positively terrified of the damage that boy could do if I let him back into my life. I fear for myself and the people I care about.
Then again what happened, happened a long time ago and he MAY be a different person. Plus I had a complete mental episode over that and ended up a recluse for over a year while I tried to figure it all out (I never did btw) I don't know why it scares me. I just don't ever want it to happen again... I don't want to watch the people I love turn away from me in disgust, and go to him. I don't want to watch him sneer at the power he has over me. I don't want to live each day trying to avoid anguish and fear. I don't want to be used or the people around me used against me. I don't want to.
I DON'T WANT TO.
NEVER AGAIN.
I'm scared.
I feel alone.
and there's nothing I can do.
This person frightens me.
I love being a pet or even mildly enslaved...
but I didn't know that then... and neither did he...
and the way things were... weren't anything like that...
they were... very very different...
and now I'm slave to fear of being even in the same neighbourhood as... him.
Back then (albeit I didn't know) someone was trying to protect me...
and I have a dozen and one people who'd do it now. but I don't want anyone... ANYONE anywhere near anything that will come of me and him bumping into one another... I don't want anyone drawn in or controlled or hurt.
I will deal with this one myself...
I want to run away so bad... just avoid it... like I have been everything the last little while. I want to run to someone's arms and cry (though I do that VERY little these days.)
But I'm afraid that it will be like before, he'll remember my weakness.
I can be strong on my own, stand tall and proud, unwavering undamageable and weather any storm...
Bring my loved ones into it, anyone I care about at all... and I crumble like overly weathered brick. I don't want anyone to hurt, I don't want anyone to be used, I don't want to hate myself for not being able to protect them.
I don't want it to happen again.
NEVER AGAIN.
NO MORE.
NO.
.

alexxis_hart @ 2008-03-03T07:25:00

2008-03-03T12:28:11Z

OMG Cute

That is all

alexxis_hart @ 2008-03-02T01:51:00

2008-03-02T07:04:39Z

I must give the impression
That I have the answers for everything
You were so disappointed
To see me unravel so easily
It's only change
It's only everything I know
It's only change, and I'm only changing
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada

You want something that's constant
and I only wanted to be me
but watch even the stars above
things that seem still are still changing

Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada
Lada lada ladadadadada lada ladadadadadada

Wow

2008-02-25T02:46:08Z

So like I haven't touched this thing in 3 months...
I guess I'm just so busy, and I've been offline and the one person I really want to read it... doesn't... but oh well lol.
I'm overflowing with emotion tonight so time for another blurb.
Actually...
No I'll just four things.
First I ate two fortune cookies today.
My Fortunes for today:
"You tend to express yourself passionately and courageously."
"Your friends admire your leadership skills."
Yea.
Ego boosters.
I think they want me to eat there again.
Ok so I lied.
Five things.
The other three I'll put behind cuts cause it's just more lyrics that no one will read >.<

One:

Three Doors Down - Away From The Sun
It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
Can anyone tell what I've done
I miss the life
I miss the colours of the world
Can anyone tell where I am

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun again
Away from the sun again

I'm over this
I'm tired of living in the dark
Can anyone see me down here
The feeling's gone
There's nothing left to lift me up
Back into the world I know

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no...
Yeah....
Oh no...

It's down to this
I've got to make this life make sense
And now I can't tell what I've done

And now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me

'Cause now again I've found myself
So far down, away from the sun
That shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down, away from the sun
That shines to light the way for me
To find my way back into the arms
That care about the ones like me
I'm so far down, away from the sun again

Oh no...
Yeah...
I'm gone...

and two:

Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am
If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

And three:

KT Tunstall - Black Horse And The Cherry Tree
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)

Well my heart knows me better than I know myself
So i'm gonna let it do all the talking.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
I came across a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)

I fell in fear, upon my back
I said don't look back, just keep on walking.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
When the big black horse that looked this way,
Said hey lady, will you marry me?
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)

But I said no, no, no,no-no-no
I said no, no, you're not the one for me
No, no, no,no-no-no
I said no, no, you're not the one for me

(ooooo,woo-hoo)

And my heart had a problem, in the early hours,
So it stopped it dead for a beat or two.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
But I cut some cord, and I shouldn't have done that,
And it won't forgive me after all these years
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)

So I sent her to a place in the middle of nowhere
With a big black horse and a cherry tree.
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)
Now it won't come back , cause it's oh so happy
And now i've got a hole for the world to see
(woo-hoo,woo-hoo)

But it said no, no, no,no-no-no
I said no, no, you're not the one for me
No, no, no,no-no-no
Said no, no, you're not the one for me

(ooooo,woo-hoo) (not the one for me, yeah)
(ooooo,woo-hoo)
Said no,no, no,no, no, no, no
You're not the one for me
Said no,no, no,no, no, no, no
You're not the one for me

Big black horse and a cherry tree
I can't quite get there cause they've all forsken me, yeah-yeah-yeah
Big black horse and a cherry tree
I can't quite get there cause they've all forsken me

So Can you guess my mood tonight?

Love me like you used to...

2007-12-26T15:33:16Z

Once again lyrics in place of my feelings.

Truly,
Lexx

"Love me like you use to" Tanya Tucker

In a cosy little restaurant for lovers,
It seems so out of place for you and me.
We used to play around under the covers,
But now it's just a place to watch TV.

So love me like you used to,
When our love was brand new.
And darlin' when we're through,
You can love me again.
And hold me like you want to,
Instead of like you have to.
Love me like you used to love me,
When you used to love me.

Baby, we could use a long vacation,
But the trouble here is bound to tag along.
We used to be each other's inspiration,
When it only took my touch to turn you on.

So love me like you used to,
When our love was brand new.
And darlin' when we're through,
You can love me again.
And hold me like you want to,
Instead of like you have to.
Love me like you used to love me,
When you used to love me.

Well, we used to sit and talk about forever,
But now we hardly ever talk at all.
We walked a lot of tightropes together;
We always caught each other when we'd fall.

So love me like you used to,
When our love was brand new.
And darlin' when we're through,
You can love me again.
And hold me like you want to,
Instead of like you have to.
Love me like you used to love me,
When you used to love me.

Love me like you used to,
When you used to love me.

----------------------------------------------------

P.S. Aside from this happy christmas to everyone and merry new year and I hope everyone is as happy as they deserve to be...

Truly,
Alexxis Ramsay Hart

Tuna Fish and Crackers

2007-12-17T08:44:33Z

I'm exhausted to the point where I can't sleep.
Again.
So naturally I'm doing what I always do when I can't sleep.
Thinking about shit that doesn't matter and that I cannot change.

Tonight's topic?

Or maybe not... I dunno how ot describe my thoughts tonight but it's gonna be the usual streaming consciousness craziness that probably wont make much sense, that I'll have to come back and paragraph later and then put behind a cut because I'm either ranting or rambling.

I'm Gay. *audience gasps*
and I can think back to the very day I realized it.
How terrifying and weird I felt.
12 years old and glad I was keeping on my snow pants at school. >.<
But that's all it was... a feeling. I think it occured to dad around the same time that I was becoming sexually mature because we had "the talk"
an awkward and terrifying experience as well... My feelings were messed up, I felt awkward inside myself and didn't understand these new hormones that were suddenly rushing over me... talking about it only made me more confused... dad was talking about girls and responsibility and all I had on my mind was dick and protecting myself from potential disease.
Which is kinda funny right there cause dad's known I was gay since I was like 4. I guess he just didn't want to assume.
Either way... that ended up being a REALLY bad year anyway and I ended up back at my mother's in halifax... couple that bad year with being raped by my 16 year old step cousin and just overall malnutrition and the associated effects it's understandable that I can't seem to drum up any thoughts on sex or sexuality again till I was 14.
That's not to say they aren't there but likely that I was repressing them heavily or it's entirely possible that the malnutrition may have stunted the production of those hormones.. I mean I did go home 65 lbs (at nearly 5 feet tall).
The doctors said my growth would be shortened, that I wouldn't have a second growth spurt and that their could be other effects... I'm wondering if it's why I have such trouble regulating my weight these days or if I'm just too weak to put down the fork. Either way... I wouldn't be surprised if a few "other" things were "stunted" as well. It did take the better part of year to rebalance my nutrition levels and get what little growing time I had left in me back on track (I stopped at age 15 at 5'5 after not growing from age 12-13 at all save for putting myself back up to a healthy weight)
At around age 14... my hormones flared back up... double time and suddenly I didn't know what to do. There were guys... hunky developed guys... funky developed basketball and football playing guys, who made my pants hurt... and they were EVERYWHERE. Girls were confusing... but they were great friends, didn't feel pressured around me and they knew how to listen.
Well most of them.
There were a couple of them who were just bullies (yes girls can be bullies and yes girls can bully boys and no that doesn't make the boy a wuss.)
Either way bullying is what led me out of the closet right in the middle of class.
Very suddenly I did NOT change in the change room with the other boys, I stopped eating in the cafeteria and I buried myself in non-competitive arts classes. Not because I'm a horrible athlete (I'm actually not that bad) but because I had a much lower chance of being beat up.
In retrospect I probably denied myself all the things I wanted to be open to experiencing as a kid.
Then again I was nerdy, loner, with bad hair, bad clothes and ugly glasses. I'm sure I didn't miss much.
Everything kind of flip flopped at that point...
Very suddenly I knew who my real friends were.
I also was introduced to something that I was previously able to avoid fairly easily, cruelty.
I mean, children had been cruel in the past... but I had been such a loner and had very few (if any) friends that they didn't matter to me so I could shrug it off... then there were people who were my friends who were cruel... and they did matter... and I couldn't look away anymore.
I focused on my music... I let my hair, style and glasses get worse. The uglier I was the farther away people would be except people who could see passed that.
Being alone and fairly unattractive and quiet meant that before I could slink quietly around the school unnoticed and just focus on whatever my day required.
Coming out... made that not so easy... it was more like dodging bullets. You had the jocks who had to reaffirm that they were "Not confused or interested in anyway because fags are gay" by throwing taunts and jokes and other such things my way... I had to avoid any accidental missunderstandings (You'd be surprised how tripping up the stairs and landing on someone can be miscontrued as you being a creepy fag who's trying to feel someone up :P)
and other such bothersome things... all the wrong kinf of noticing that I wanted.
I found light solice in the gay youth group in my town. I felt... releif. I even got a part time job. I wanted to visit these people, see my new friends, go out on a saturday and hang out at the coffee shop. No facade, no straight drama, no big deal.
They didn't care that I was gay... because they were gay... and I didn't change my image so I was never really hit on...
Then comes the balancing act. Mom getting mad at me for spending too much time out of the house or wanting to not be home on a weekend night along with the time required to work as well as the desire to use the money that I spent MY time earning the way I saw fit... then this new desire grew... I now had two social circles... and yet I was lonely. Other people were dating... why couldn't I?
I looked in the mirror and realized that I'd been sabotaging that for years.
It was depressing.
Which began a cycle I'm still in.
I didn't understand relationships or why they existed... let me rephrase... I didn't understand how to identify if I wanted one or was feeling the right kind of emotions.
I knew when I was horny. I knew when I cared about someone.
Putting them together always came up with a sum that made my stomach hurt.
I didn't want to use people.
I didn't want to hurt anyone.
But I did want to be happy.
and I wanted to feel good.
I went to the pride parade, I went a on ski trip with the youth group...
I was starting to get a surface impression of how things were.
If there was drama, I was either shielded from it or oblivious because even in looking back I never saw any... or maybe (not being an object of desire nor a homewrecker of any sort) I just kept my nose clean by nature.
Not everything added up... but these people seemed to be happy and... I didn't have to do anything to be accepted... in fact I realized later that they likely still would've been my friend even if I wasn't gay.
I became more social.
Less Awkward.
But still there was that empty... alone feeling.
I got my first and only toy (which later disappeared) and realized exactly what I wanted in the bedroom department.
Can't remember how or where I got it but I know it showed up at some point.
Then I did something stupid.
Without knowing what was going or even being ready... I took a chance...
Someone from the group liked me?
Someone... Like... Me?
I went with it... only to realize it was someone I was in the same high school as (he was a little older) we never really did anything and the whole thing kind of fell apart in a big mess... oh THIS is drama.
I didn't understand the purpose of smearing me all over the place... but in the end it came down to... I wasn't ready to put out for someone who treated me that way and as a result it was a smear campaign. Which only went mediocrely well for the person at school because while he got what he wanted which was to smear my rep... I didn't have one before that point so all it did was make more people talk to me to find things out and in the end... nothing came of it but a bitchy prep boy who's face contorted everytime he saw me and me having a larger group of friends.
I decided that, as attractive as I found them... I didn't want to deal with younger guys... This was a mistake.
First off... in retrospect I passed over many opportunities right under my nose the whole time. (I facepalmed massively when a friend came out to me last year. Not that I should've seen it... but that I was so wrapped in myself back then that I wasn't there for him)
Secondly... Older men... aren't any better... they're still men and it comes down to the individual in the end. 16... 20... 30... 40... age is completely irrelevant if the person never learned anything on the way about how to handle what they were engaging in.
I gave my first blow job on my 15th birthday... on some rocks on a beach 20 miles out of town to some guy in his late twenties, that I can't remember the name of. He wasn't anyone special and I never heard from him again but I learned something.
I Could find release for one of the aches I had... easily, quietly and without much fuss. Older guys like simple, no games, young guy fun and USUALLY (when they're looking for exactly that anyway) they don't bring much baggage along.
This filled a void, shut up a part of me and temporarily quieted the relationship part.
But fun and games only lasts so long.
I didn't do it often... or a lot.
I was always told I was good... though I chalk that up to guys just amazed they could hook someone so young.
I wasn't desperate... I simply had lowered my standards... a lot. I was still a bit shallow and picky (yes beggars can be choosers) but the age line had blurred. Older guys who disappeared later... had less chance of putting more drama into my life.
After a while the old part of you speaks and goes "hey... uh shouldn't you be in a relationship if you're having sex... don't you want someone to like you for you without the sex part?"
My first few relationships were... shaky at best. I had somehow pigeonholed myself into that "I ONLY like guys over 25" bracket. In fact I think the first person I dated who was near my age was a fur.
In the end mom got fed up with me and my "gayness" and we had it out and basically she tossed me out. And thus my days of experimentation and learing ended to be quickly changed into the immediate need to work and be an adult.
I'd give a lot to have had a couple more years practice and maybe some time to hone a sense of style and come out of my shell properly.
Things have been ok since... sort of...
I'm a bit jaded...
My hair is still bad...
I'm still overweight...
and after all this I'm right back where I started.
Sabotaging myself to keep people away.
I want friends... whom I can trust... whom I can share my life, time and body with. I want to be accepted and loved. I don't want to lower my standards and yet I still do.
I put up with... A LOT.
Just to feed that damn craving for cock.
Then again... it doesn't control that badly because if someone were to try and manipulate me over it I'd likely just walk away... I have more important games to play with less petty people.
Still...
I dunno how I got on this thought train...
I guess... I just see so many people and wonder what it was like for them.
I'm glad to have my father so accepting of me and good friends, and decent mates.
But I still sabotage myself.
Grabbing a mars bar cause it's there and I like the taste even though I'm probably a little high on my calorie and fat intake as it is.
Doing expensive things outside my budget to have a fleeting moment of happiness.
or the exact opposite.
Sometimes I focus to hard. Plug at the job, or the project tunnel vision on it until it's done. Keeps me from thinking of anything else. Keeps me from complaining, which people hate. Keeps me from confronting people about things they do or the way they treat (another thing people hate).
Actually that's why a lot of people don't like me. I complain. A lot. About people screwing up. I complain about me screwing up but then people tell me I'm not a screw up so I complain more about myself and people think I'm self depricating. In reality I think I suck as much as other people who fuck up because I hate myself. But either way I don't let people get away with being jacktards and that makes my friendships and relationships rocky. I'm a critical bitch. I know it. That's why sometimes... tunnel vision can save a friendship... or relationship. It takes my focus off of people who piss me off and focuses me on something important... maybe that's why I drove up so much debt and then bankrupted. Now I have something to focus on besides the things that piss me off.
People often say if I just let go I could be happy but in the end when I let go the seams start to fray and things start to fall apart. My life requires constant maintenance of myself and the people around me or it comes apart. and then I cna't be happy because I have to catch up on maintenance. It's like not doing your laundry for a month because you're depressed. You can't very well buy new clothes everytime yours get dirty nor can you simply burn the old clothes. So you spend three days digging out of that mess and get depressed over how much you let yourself go and enter back into another cycle.
Same deal in my life (yes I know it's a hugely convoluted analogy that only kavri will understand) I feel like if I don't... make SURE things will go smoothly that they'll never go smoothly...
and in practice, it's not that far from the truth. People very rarely call me directly or keep tabs on what's going on so friendships (especially long distance ones) deteriorate, people will often invite me out only to have to reschedule at the last minute or cancel, or we'll be in the middle of what we're doing only to find out that whom ever is hosting just had a cuffufle on their bank card and can't pay and thus needs to be covered. (That's something I always make sure of before I invite is that I have enouhg to cover everyone just in case everyone can't pay), and there see... right there... again me overplanning everything. I'm like a parent, making sure that every last thing is covered because something always goes wrong.
It means I rarely get to enjoy doing anything.
I think that's why I like to drive on any of our get together's. There's usually three or four other people with me who gladly would. But I always decline. I was about to say politely, but I'm rarely polite.
From a gay little nerd boy who was a loner I've grown into a chubby, socialite, faggot-loser, woh never really got comfortable with himself and thus remains self concious and has a major self image issue. I micromanage and over analyze everything looking for patterns and ways to make EVERYTHING easier or at least more linear (easy is not always FAST) and I complain and bitch about just about everything.
I reach for the cake and ice cream when I should reach for broccoli and celery. I reach for mars bars and snickers when I should reach for tuna and crackers. When the going get's tough... the tough get's eating.
I've been noticing just how mindless I am. As long as there is a flavour in my mouth to enjoy my mind clears a moment and I can relax, almost like most people with a cigarette.
I'm never all that hungry, except when I wake up in the morning or if I skip lunch and it's nearly midnight but that's normal. But I'm always ready to cram something into my face... It's a wonder I'm not 230 lbs again.
In the end... a decade later. I'm still that 12 year old boy staring wide eyed at the front of the class room, glad that my snow pants hide the tent in my sweatpants (which I never wear anymore oddly.) My sense of style is still trying to decide if colours match and then if they are in the correct top to bottom format... I'm not vein... I just can't decide if it's ok to wear a black hoodie with tan cargo's (I think it looks alright but others beg to differ)
My hair is still awful unless I just give up and cut it short. Everyone always says it looks good short... why can't it look good long?
Do you know what I see when my hair is short?
Huge fucking dumbo ears sticking out from my head... a throw back to a fuckton of teasing in kindergarten. I also see... a relatively attractive young man (especially if he's clean shaven) who can't hide behind a veil of ugly and who frequently ends up getting himself into the one situation he's never comfortable with. Being checked out.
*Audience gasps* that's right folks a plot twist!
Lexx: I wanna be sexy and attactive so people notice me.
Lexx: *droops a bit* but whenever anyone notices me I clam up and get all awkward and stupid cause I'm still a nerd. I never know how to handle the situation and always bungle it.
I have never ever, picked up in a bar (I avoid them entirely now), met someone at a party or event and taken their number or hooked up later or at the party, flirted with a stranger, gone "cruising", or actively engaged in socializing with someone I had never met outside of my social network.
I Don't know how to react to someone who thinks I'm attractive.
What do I do?
What do I say?
What do they want?
How should I feel?
What if I want something different then them?
What if I hurt their feelings?
What if they get angry and try and smear me?
What if they just want to get laid and use me? (Well actually this one I don't mind as long as there is no flase pre-tense)
What if they want to hurt me physically?
A whole host of things goes through my mind when someone's eyes rake up and down me, checking me out. It makes me a little sick to my stomach... unless it's someone I've been checking out too. But that's VERY rare. The type of guy I like is not interested in me. I've made very sure of that >.<
It's exhilerating and frightening all at once. I want to be loose and fancy free. I want to just talk... share a drink maybe even dance. I wanna make out a little, test the waters... see what it's like to date someone I've never met before... But I always get so awkward that I just avoid the whole thing. I usually end up being with someone I'm more comfortable with or that I've had time to get comfortable with over the internet.
Heck I clam up when I'm meeting someone new WITH friends... even if they're a FRIEND of my friends. Trevor still makes me feel about 2 inches tall... (though in his case that feels purely awesome and I'm not afraid of him in the least)
Meeting Firestorm six was exhilerating, and if he hadn't had such a personable and lovable dog I probably wouldn't have opened up nearly as fast... I guess I do better when I have something to break the tension and relax me. (Go Rudy!)
There have been other times... Meeting jeff for the first time.
When I met Cam for the first I was absolutely sick to my stomach.
Meeting Remi coiled my brain in knots (I had heard so much from so many people about how cool he was)
When I got invited to potoroo's halloween party I instantly invented 20 reasons not to go. Problem is... I really wanted to go. I wanted to be there.. be part of the fun... meet new people. Make new connections... maybe have a little reckless (but safe) fun. Somehow I know that if I had gone I woulda just wallflowered anyway... even though I'd have been there with Matt and Cam. I almost went to anthrofest... then the van got wrecked. That turned out to be a convenient excuse for my rising axiety to be abated. If it hadn't I probably would've gone... but been a complete wallflower. I even stopped going to Kevin's yearly parties. all I do is sit in the corner. *giggles* though some people wont let me. *remembers silfur murring and rubbing his face on his chest* I guess... I wont get better if I don't keep trying... but everytime I go I'm worried I'm going ot make some huge stupid mistake and then I'm in the middle of a social gathering... where everyone will know I made the mistake... it's easy to start drama in a room full of party goers. The whole idea of trying to contain that kind of... it just makes me sick.
I'm 22 now... not 12... and part of me is still going through the first stages of puberty... my social apptitude. Put me in a room of excutives and I can keynote them. Put me on a podium to read poetry. I can pontificate. Put me at a LAN party. I can network and mingle. Put me in a restaurant. I can dress nicely and mind my manners. Put me in a party, I can hide in the corner chair with a gingerale and watch the other people mingle. Take me to the bar, I can grab a long island ice tea and stare at the wall.
Introduce that unknown element... that... uncontrollable factor... the chance for failure... I mean... I don't mind being shot down... I don't mind being rejected. I can handle that but... My entire life is held together finely tuned strings... when one strings frays or moves out I move over to it and fix it. Bring in a random factor... it's no so much that it's out of my control as it's unpredictable and may destroy the careful balance I've created.
Prplhaze broke me out of loner shell... where I was happy ot be alone... that was... 5 years ago.
but now I'm here in the middle. I can't go back to being a loner... I have too many social responsibilities... but I almost... want to. To just go back to being alone. It's easier. less stressful. my demands are lower and people don't get hurt by me expecting so much of them.
But I'm still in a shell too... I break through the social ice and find my own place... I look into social groups... and see that the circles are complete... introducing me warps the shape... I know how it was when I had my perfect social circle... at least in my mind... then suddenly new people were introduced... I felt displaced... then there was drama and things... kind of fell apart... I don't want to do that to anyone... and at the same time I'm in the middle of null space looking at all these little universes going... wtf? Which one do I belong in? or which ones?
I Can't be alone... but by my own inner demons... I can't be with people.
No matter how hard I try... I'm just a nerdy grease monkey. I'm not butch enough to run with the straight dogs. Not pretty enough for gay pups. Not clean enough for the girl scene.... I guess I don't fit into a scene at all... which is ok. but when people look at me and can't label me... (which is what I wanted I guess) they just kind of move on. Without something that stands out you're overlooked.
If I have something that grabs attention suddenly EVERYONE notices and I feel overwhelmed... if it's somewhere inbetween I still feel overwhelmed.
I just... don't know how to deal with people.
If I'm forced, I smile and nod and shake hands and am pleasant... the good neighour type. A true canadian. But that's not me and inside I've got that shield up trying to be as inconspicuous and possible to keep someone from going "Gee. He's interesting." and wrapped in that same shield is the attempt to be unnapproachable so that other people who are coming into their social own don't single me out as someone "easy to talk to" because I'm afraid of them too. I'm afraid of eveyrone new I guess.
I'm afraid of going back to two or three years ago when I was fighting down a bad image and not making things better by meeting new people.
I'm afraid that if I go back to socializing I'm going to go back to making mistakes and that I'll go back to people whispering awful things about me.
I think too much.
I think too much about what other people think.
Right now all I'm feeling is the same thing I've felt for the last six months.
I miss fireheart. I want to visit fireheart.
Yea. I know. Completely out of left field.
But I really like him. and I really miss him. And when he smiles... actually it makes feel the same way as when Trevor smiles at me. *gush* Damn... sexy boy and their killer smiles.
Right now I miss Jeff and Trig too.
Trig's awkward but loving hugs, Jeff's goofy headtilt/smile, Trig's ability to trip over his own feet... while standing in place, Jeff's supertight hugs (second only to matt's!) and heartstopping kisses...
I miss having a life and time to spend with the few people I let in... and maybe I should let more people drag me to parties instead of weasling out of it with work or chores...
I dunno.
I dunno if I can handle it...
I dunno if I can manage to be... calm and relaxed at a party.
I'm worried i'll do something stupid...
I'm worried about a lot of things.
Nuff rambling for tonight.

Final words:
I'm lonely in the bad way, my hormones are going nuts, I miss being more innocent (even though in some ways I'm still quite innocent and naive), I miss having few to no responsibilities, I want (someday) to steal a kiss from Trevor.

Truly whacked,
Lexx

alone.

2007-12-10T05:08:38Z

I wont be brought down by my demons.
I will do my best in all aspects.
I will be loyal and true.
I will stand tall and proud.
I will be strong.

I will not cry.

alexxis_hart @ 2007-11-20T10:51:00

2007-11-20T17:00:34Z

Disclaimer: While the majority of the topic below is sexually oriented it can be applied to other situations and contrary to popular beleif I think about other things... this just seems to be the one that no one talks about and I'm not afraid to. So if you want to think I'm a slut or chastise me for talking about something "taboo" you can blow me because it's a part of every person out there (no matter how puritan you are) and we need to stop being afraid of ourselves and how we work. If you don't like my opinion stop reading now. cause I have a fuckton to say.

You know what no one reads this thing anymore so I'll just post my annual album when it's done.

In other news that no one will read I've noticed something about all the people around me who are in relationships.
After a bit of being into the relationship (about 6 months) things tend to change.

The relationship is fulfilling... but the sex life is not... it's not that they've become bored but that the other partner is no longer interested in them. This is the case in a number of relationships I've seen. It seems that way in mine too. Though I'm on both sides. I have two partners. one who's not interested in sex and the other is, but for some reason I can't drum up any interest in him right now... possibly because of my funk over the other problem. who knows.

I just don't get it. I mean especially in male male relationships where hormones fly rampant sex is important. It's not the most important but it's important and while people will stay together for years because the relationship itself is strong and good. but the sex life dies out so quickly. I've heard all the excuses "Well we were really hot in the beginning so maybe we just burnt out." , "Sometimes people get bored with one another and want a new playmate" , "It just isn't an important thing anymore." but generally those are all lies. I mean. Shouldn't someone be as attractive as they were at the beginning of a relationship? I know looks, endowment and prowess don't have much to do with it in my books. It's whether or not I'm comfortable.

I've seen men and women pack on weight, or shed it rapidly. I've seen them become gym bunnies trying to attain a lofty goal. I've seen them change jobs, become power freaks, degrade into petty squabbles... any number of things. They still love the people but they are sexually frustrated. And being in an open relationship changes nothing. It comes down to one simple thing. 'I love you as much as I ever have. Why wont you sleep with me?'
And then you get into more complex issues. Like infidelity. The other partner who isn't interested in sex with you anymore is now sleeping with someone else... but they still care about you. You know you'd never get away with it but you let them. OR even worse. You're in an open relationship... you're both free to be with whomever you like... it just seems that the other half is interested in everyone BUT you and it hits you so hard that you lose interest in anyone BUT them.

It goes on and on and gets more and more complex but the fact of the matter is... it worked before. why doesn't it work now? What's changed? how do we fix it? How did we get here? The uninterested mate doesn't have a logical answer, the other feels unwanted and unloved... and begins trying to change themselves... maybe the uninterested mate is bored or sees a flaw in me? it becomes a swirling vortex of an unfulfilled need until the relationship collapses. It makes sense if the mates have different sex drives. it doesn't if they are equal. it makes even LESS sense when the mate who's drive is "lower" is sleeping around more often outside the relationship then within it.

Anyone who says sex is important is full of crap.
Any mate who lies to protect their mates feelings or evades the question is dragging them through the mud and hurting their feelings.
Your whole relationship was likely built on honesty, caring for one another and trust. Why can't you tell them how you feel, why you feel that way or at the very least just plain why?
I don't know isn't an answer. If you don't know then you don't know why you're with other people either and should probably stop since you might be using or hurting people.

Answers can be things like "I'm not attracted to you anymore," or "I've gotten a little bored with doing the same thing everytime," or "I don't feel that connection," or even "You packed on 50 lbs and I don't find that attractive" or "You lost 50 lbs and you're too skinny for me now. I like a chub" Sometimes it's harsh and we don't want to hurt our loved ones but come on. You're already hurting them by not telling them the truth. The truth hurts, but not as much as the despair and fear of not knowing what's really happening. and in the end the distrust when the lie is found out hurts too. We're your mates. We can tell when you're lying... even if we don't know what the truth is. so be honest. be forthright. it can solve things. discussing things can lead to whole new levels of closeness and maybe even relight that candle.

I for one am tired of these games. If you think I'm fat, or ugly, or bitchy, or whiney, or an asshole or you just plain don't have an interest anymore... or maybe my hair intimidates you *floofs the fro* then say so. it's better than a cold shoulder or laying in bed wondering what I've done wrong. Just tell me. So I don't become a neurotic freak trying to win you back. Everyone get's that way... to a point. then they move on. and I know how bad that can be too. I hate when people put me on a pedestal and want to do anything to win me back. It makes me feel awful when someone wants me that bad. I know it makes other people feel that way too. I know that it worsens my disinterest in someone. I know it does for other people. If you want the person to become attractive again don't sabotage them into a corner they can't get out of, it may even affect their ability to have a next succesful relationship after you break up with them for being a neurotic freak. and if you want out. say so. you don't love them anymore. or maybe you do but it just isn't working... but if you want out, then get out. You aren't helping ANYONE by dragging it out till you have the balls to quit. Besides there's probably someone else who's been watching for a long time who'd like the chance for just one date but you're in the way hogging all the attention of someone you don't even want to be with anymore.

Want to stay friends? well be honest. be fair. and don't be dramatic. a break doesn't have to be a fight. but it has to be honest, that way the other person doesn't spend the next year dwelling over what went wrong. an explanation is the least they deserve for putting up with your waffling and lack of initiative to break it off. Even in an open relationship... the person is still yours. they're free to play around... but there is only one mate. that's you. and if all you want is to play around but not the mate part or vice versa you might want to set them free.

I'm polyamorous. I have two mates. I could have more if I wanted but I already feel greedy and my conscience tells me that there are people out there already angry at me for having two when they can't even get one. I don't look outside the relationships even though I'm allowed. but I'm not satisfied inside either. one has a massive personality flaw, the other has no sexual interest in me. and I tell them all the time how that makes me feel. I don't hide my pain or fears from them. I am completely honest. It hasn't changed anything but everything comes apart... at least they'll know why when it happens because I'll tell them. I owe them that much at the very least. I would never dishonor them by lying or not letting them know if something changed or how I feel. I expect the same of them (though I've had to fight tooth and nail to get them to pipe up when there's a problem and even now I'm not sure they tell me everything).

I don't want anyone to hide anything, not even to protect me, or try not to stress me. I want to know. Stress me, tell me, I can take it, I can be mature. It's when I learn something that was lied about or hidden that I turn into a child and get angry. Why couldn't you tell me, why did you lie? why can't I trust you? I can't wrap my head around why someone would lie when they love someone anymore than I can understand revenge... and when either happens I go borderline insane trying to understand. maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm crazy... but I don't ever seek revenge and I haven't lied in a LONG long time. Why would I ever want to hurt the people I care about?

It's an insane concept, it's not like a dominatrix dripping hot wax on your nipples. I get that. it's for the pleasure they both get from that sort of pain. IF (and only if) both partners endure and get off on the kind of pain that lying, cheating, and abusing one another mentally gives them then it's ok. (and yes I've seen it) I've seen relationships where they would sleep with other people, lie to one another, degrade each other and borderline mentally rape one another (I walked in on one having sex with an enemy of the other IN FRONT OF HIM) but they got off on that. they were fiery, passionate and immensly in love. they are still together and still abuse each other and that works for them... but it's rare that that kind of thing happens or works. in general that's the worst thing any two people can do to each other. So why do we do it?
Why does this happen?
...
Why wont he touch me?
Why doesn't he love me like he used to?
Why do I always initiate the kiss?
What did I do wrong?
What should I change?
Am I too fat?
Do I have bad habits?
I'm so depressed... I don't feel like doing my chores.
But I bet not doing them or missing a shower turns him off.
Why do I sabotage myself when I'm down so that I stay down?
What does he really think?
Why can't he tell me?
...
...
...
What makes me stay?

Deana Carter - What Makes You Stay

Look at me
I'm in a place
I never thought I'd be

Don't have the strength
To fight anymore
Or a reason not to leave

So tell me why I still keep holding on
To something I just cannot see

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

I'm not afraid
Of living alone
I was alone before he came

I've been in love
Many times before
But this time's not the same

I've always been the first to say goodbye
Now it's the last thing I can do

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at him and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

When it goes this deep
And feels this strong
I can't convince myself
That this love is wrong

What makes you stay
When your world falls apart
What makes you try one more time
When it's not in your heart
At the end of your rope
When you can't find any hope
You still look at her and say
I just can't walk away
Tell me what makes you stay

=================================================

(A while later) P.S. Back in september I went to see my doctor regarding some anxiety issues. He said that I was overstressed and proceed to quiz me on my recent sex life. I was a bit taken aback until he explained. A lack of sex in a relationship can cause mild to severe anxiety disorders over prolonged period as well as stresses that can increase risk of heart disease and other related illnesses. Basically when you're in a situation where sex is important (I.E. my mate enjoys MATing) it can cause as much stress as having any other need unfulfilled. That particular need cannot be fulfilled by anyone but the person flagged in your brain as a mate. So an open relationship may qwell a stronger sex drive or give someone the freedom they desire but it cannot replace the emotional connection of sex with your chosen partner. In short he told me to fuck my boyfriend more often. I didn't have it in me to tell him that it's my bf who's not interested...

I'm not saying this to hang it over anyone's head... and I'm certainly not saying it as something to hang over your mate's head... you'd be a horrible person for trying to guilt someone into the bedroom HOWEVER. I did research it and it holds true. It's something to consider when you think about your relationship... when you think about how you treat your mate or how he (or she) treats you. The truth is the truth... and a good proof is a proof because it is proven. >.<

Final Word: In the end... if you're not sexually compatible... maybe it's just best to love one another as friends... with occasional benefits. It's not shallow. Everyone has needs. Real needs. it's not just a gimmick sentence or a guilt trip it's true. Your body and mind have needs and if your mate is incapable of meeting them or you're incapable of meeting your mate's... then you have to be honest with yourself and with them about that. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough, it just means that you don't link up. and this "Staying together for the relationship" syndrome that's going around... it's commendable and in fact very respectable but in the long run... are you only causing more damage when one of you finally snaps and you end up hating one another? Why not preserve what's left and move on. maybe things will be different in the future and you can try again. maybe you just prefer your hand to the real thing right now. Maybe your needs have changed (it happens). Maybe we all just need to be honest about this and stop being so prudish that we can't admit what our instincts and emotions are telling us.

Remember:
Be Honest
Be Fair
Be True

Anything less (in all aspects of life) is not good enough.

Truly,
Lexx

oops I forgot entirely.

2007-10-10T01:35:18Z

September's song is/was:
1234 by Feist.

This is song 2 on my first annual album.

Lyrics below:

One, two, three, four,
tell me that you love me more.
sleepless, long nights.
'sides what my use was for.

oh, teenage hope,
throw light at your door.
left you with nothing,
but they wanted more.

oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.

sweetheart, bitter heart,
now i can't tell you apart.
cozy and cold,
put the horse before the cart.

those teenage hopes,
through our tears and the lies.
too scared to run off,
to one little life.

oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.

one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.
one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten.
money can't buy you back the love that you had then.

oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are.

oh, oh, oh,
you're changing your heart.
oh, oh, oh,
you know who you are

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Truly,
Lexx

P.S. No the choice has nothing to do with the iPod commercial.